The Desert Scribe: Trying to Rationalize

As I sit here in church, on this vibrant Sunday morning with the sun shining through the trees as a gentle wind sways them side to side, I can’t help but think about him. I know when you care about someone it doesn’t just go away, but why it is that at 10:51 am on this lively Sunday morning that I am stuck thinking about G. Levi?  Then there is William, who can’t seem to catch a hint or even just understand that with every ‘I Love You’, my heart will not start yearning for him. Also, I know that all of things are psychological, the physical dynamic of your heart cannot conjure up emotion. No, it is your brain. The memories you’ve made, what you’ve felt for that person before, the romanticism of those memories and the understatement of those emotions that you don’t like. I am not uneducated in the matter, yet I still see myself plummeting into this out of longing and despair and I can’t seem to understand why. Lana Del Rey explained it best in her song “This is What Makes Us Girls”, we all look for that connection, that love you are desperate to feel with someone. Trying to find what society has told you is the only way to live your life. Trying to find that love that people like Chris Martin write melodies about. Despite all of this, despite the fact that I am not ignorant, despite the fact that he broke my heart…I am sitting in church on a Sunday morning trying to rationalize why I have fallen into this absurd train of thought. All I wanted was to be happy, to make him happy, for us to be happy, but know I feel an emptiness when I sleep at night.

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By     Loraina London Calderon